mourir d'être mince

follow.

2009-08-30T00:34:00.001-05:00

http://xharakiri.blogspot.com/

and if you look at your reflection, is it all you want it to be?

2009-08-05T17:45:00.006-05:00

The answer to that question? No.

Unfortunately, I have not lost weight, and I don't think it's going to happen again for a while. A few days ago I came down with a killer headache that felt like someone was bashing my head in with a baseball bat, and my body was covered in big, red, super itchy blotches-- hives. I don't know what caused them, but they lasted two and a half days. My mom and her boyfriend think that I was super stressing out about something, and I think they're right, but I don't want to admit it to them. It's about something I'm not ready for them, or anyone else in my family, to know yet.

Anyway, I am flying back to California next week. When I get home, I am going to start the vegetable juice fast in "Juicing, Fasting and Detoxing for Life". It's going to be tough, because vegetable juice is not at all tasty, but I'll have to suck it up. The health benefits are supposedly phenomenal. I have also set a new goal to do at least sixty push ups a day. I suck at doing the hardcore push ups, though, so I do the modified version with my knees on the ground and feet in the air, and I've done forty so far. I do them in sets of twenty, twenty in the morning, twenty in the afternoon, and twenty in the evening. I am going to try to get back on my feet tomorrow, sticking to a calorie restricted and no processed foods diet, and hopefully surpass my first goal weight and get to my second before the end of September. I'll be visiting a very special someone and a few old friends in So-Cal around then, and I really do not want to be looking like the fat whale that I am now.

Positives of the day:
--When I register for college, my grandfather is going to buy me a special present. My mom just happened to leak it to me before he ever told me that it would be a MacBook! XD Excited, very!!
--I have a job waiting for me in Central Cali! As much as I'd like to boast about it, unfortunately, I cannot. If someone from there should ever find out I have this blog, not only will I be FIRED but a close friend's name would be seriously tainted in the corporate world.
--We'll be spending this weekend in San Antonio, and this Saturday my mom and her boyfriend have volunteered to take care of my little man for the day so my sister and I can hangout and have some much needed R&R.

Random:
A few days ago I got the new enV3. WAAAAAAAY better than the lame Dare. It was fun for like a second, and then it just sucked. The enV3, however? Is AWESOME. Love, love, love it. Except it's kind of weird to take pictures with because when it's closed, you can't really see what you're taking a picture of, and when it's open, your finger is almost always in the way of the lens. Or at least mine is. =/ It's still the most bitchin' phone I've ever owned, though.

fatass.

2009-07-31T02:12:00.001-05:00

Note to self: STOP EATING.

mint mojito.

2009-07-28T18:03:00.003-05:00

Today was HORRIBLE. A nonstop binge of straight SHIT. I must have ingested close to 2,000 calories. DIS GUS TING.

you're only as sick as your secrets.

2009-07-27T05:54:00.005-05:00

He almost found out. We were on the phone, and when it gets silent one of us sometimes asks the other what we are thinking about, and he asked me. At that very moment I telling myself that I was not hungry, because my stomach was growling, and that I will fast today, and I was wondering how I could avoid eating dinner. All I could say was "uuhhhmm..." and asked if I could tell him some other time, but he would not let it go!! And I can't lie to him, so we went on for a few more minutes arguing about it until I finally told him that I was thinking about weight loss. Which is the truth, right? Because I was thinking about skipping dinner so that I can lose more weight. SO, I was thinking about weight loss!

Anyway, SpriteZero is updated with this week's photos and measurements. I lost a total of FIVE and a half pounds, and SEVEN inches!! Go me! XD

fastfood binge.

2009-07-26T20:31:00.000-05:00

I am disgusting.

retrospect.

2009-07-21T00:09:00.011-05:00

Around age fourteen, I was at my highest weight, in the low 180lbs. I absolutely HATED my body more than anything at the time. I just wanted to take a knife and cut all the fat off. Doing it "the healthy way" was inconvenient because my mother worked her ass off just to pay the rent. And to be frank I was the most laziest blob on earth. So, before I even knew about eating disorders, I decided to starve myself. I don't remember ever actually going a single day without eating, but I would go days with as little as a chocolate chip cookie and a soda. I dropped twenty pounds, in two month and went from a size 13, to a 7. Then one day, I gave up, and almost everything came back. Since then, I have maintained a steady weight, until I moved in with my dad January 2008. There I started starving and restricting again, and lost ten pounds, and it was a beautiful sight, seeing the scale calculate the lowest weight I've been since sixth grade. Unfortunately, I got pregnant shortly afterward, gained an extra forty pounds, and lost thirty, then gained another six, to be exact.

I don't hate myself anymore, or my body, but I do hate the fat. I never really felt fat, not even while pregnant (I actually really, really enjoyed my pregnancy), but I feel it now. I look at myself in the mirror, and see how my arms sag, and how big they are, and how gelatinous my thighs are, and how ROUND my gut is. It sucks, but I try not to get myself too into it. I don't want to always be looking for the negative anymore. So here are my positives:

x My collar bones are visible.
x I can see three of my bottom ribs when I stretch.
x When I lay down, my stomach is flat, and my ribcage barely protrudes.
x I can feel my hip bones.
x My fingers are thin, and the tip of my ulna is visible.
x My arm muscles are visible.
x My leg muscles are visible.

Unfortunately, yesterday was another fail. Not as bad as the other day though. I had a banana, a 320 calorie pizza, then a bowl of frosted Cheerios with 2% milk. Then I caved in and had two slices of cheese (one pepper jack, the other muenster), and a turkey/beef patty with cheese and ketchup. The last thing I had was a small Wendy's Frosty-chino thing. :(

I will do better today though. It takes time for me to get used to eating less and less, I can't just stop eating one day, otherwise I'd go insane and embark on a massive binge. Oh, I cannot wait to be thin! I am so excited about this!

Also, I posted pictures and stats of my current weight at SpriteZero. My hair is a mess in the pictures because I had just woken up at the time, so forgive me for looking like a slob.

hey, girl, heey.

2009-07-17T01:42:00.004-05:00

So, this is my new weight loss/personal journal. I've never really blogged before, so please forgive me if I sound a little lost, or vague, at any point.

Since this blog is public, I will be posting progress photos, as well as my current weight and measurements in my friends-only LiveJournal, spritezero. Here, I will basically food-rant, and talk about how much I have lost, or am struggling to lose, or whatever. And since this is also personal, I will also talk about my day, thoughts, or do some random venting.

At the moment I am thinking of a few personal goals of mine:
01. Lose 40lbs before January 1st, 2010.
02. Get a part time/weekend job ASAP.
03. Save up AT LEAST $10-15k in emergency fund, $3k in an apartment fund, and $3-5k in a car fund.
04. Graduate top of class from local community college, and hopefully be accepted into UTA School of Nursing.

Oh yes, and I will accomplish all four within the next two to three years, I promise you that! :)

OKAY, okay, okay. Now, let's get down to the real business...
Goal #1: In order to lose this weight, I plan on seriously restricting my calorie intake, and making sure that most, if not all, of those calories come from fruits, vegetables and organic meats, dairy, and whole grains. I am cutting out ALL processed and dyed food, as well as drinks. Strictly water, skim milk, and fresh squeezed juices (made by my own two hands, of course). No soda, or store-bought juices. I will also make a commitment to go to bed before 10PM (ha, I already broke that one), wake up around 6-8AM, and go for 40+ minute walks immediately after brushing my teeth, every single day. No breakfast until I get back home (it is proven that eating shortly after working out helps speed up your metabolism, therefore increasing the benefits of exercise). And every other day or two, I will hit the gym for an hour or more. With this regimen, I should be losing weight in no time.

Goal #2: Once I finish the move with my mother, I will be submitting at least three applications a week. I have a special plan for this one... Instead of simply handing an employee my application, I will ask for the manager, or human resources manager, ask their name, introduce myself, hand them my application, let them know how much I'd like to work with them, and ask for their desk-line so that I may call back in a couple of weeks if I do not hear from them sooner. That way I make a good impression with the boss! And if the place I am applying for is online application only, then I will call the certain store I want to work in, ask for the manager, and let them know that I just submitted an application, and that I'd like to work for them in particular. With that plan, I should also have a job in no time.

Goal #3: This one is going to a little hard to do. I can sometimes fall under the credit card spell (always only when I do actually have money in the bank, though), and spend impulsively. Most time I will return the things I buy, realizing when I get home that I don't really need them, but that doesn't always happen. For example, at one point, my father's mother was giving me an $80 a month allowance, not much, but still something for someone with no other source of income. She only did it for five months, and if I had banked it all, I would have $400 (from her, plus a couple extra hundred I had previously saved) right now. Instead, I have $0 (not including the money I already had), and I have nothing to show for the amount I have spent. SO the biggest goal here is to overcome the urge to buy what I want, and ask myself if I really, really need it, and have the will power to put it back if the answer is no, which in most cases it will be.

Goal #4: STUDY STUDY STUDY. Earn a 4.0 average GPA, and participate in school activities, clubs, and organizations.

Alright, so there we go! That's it for my first post, until next time, I bid thee adieu.