retrospect.

Around age fourteen, I was at my highest weight, in the low 180lbs. I absolutely HATED my body more than anything at the time. I just wanted to take a knife and cut all the fat off. Doing it "the healthy way" was inconvenient because my mother worked her ass off just to pay the rent. And to be frank I was the most laziest blob on earth. So, before I even knew about eating disorders, I decided to starve myself. I don't remember ever actually going a single day without eating, but I would go days with as little as a chocolate chip cookie and a soda. I dropped twenty pounds, in two month and went from a size 13, to a 7. Then one day, I gave up, and almost everything came back. Since then, I have maintained a steady weight, until I moved in with my dad January 2008. There I started starving and restricting again, and lost ten pounds, and it was a beautiful sight, seeing the scale calculate the lowest weight I've been since sixth grade. Unfortunately, I got pregnant shortly afterward, gained an extra forty pounds, and lost thirty, then gained another six, to be exact.

I don't hate myself anymore, or my body, but I do hate the fat. I never really felt fat, not even while pregnant (I actually really, really enjoyed my pregnancy), but I feel it now. I look at myself in the mirror, and see how my arms sag, and how big they are, and how gelatinous my thighs are, and how ROUND my gut is. It sucks, but I try not to get myself too into it. I don't want to always be looking for the negative anymore. So here are my positives:

x My collar bones are visible.
x I can see three of my bottom ribs when I stretch.
x When I lay down, my stomach is flat, and my ribcage barely protrudes.
x I can feel my hip bones.
x My fingers are thin, and the tip of my ulna is visible.
x My arm muscles are visible.
x My leg muscles are visible.


Unfortunately, yesterday was another fail. Not as bad as the other day though. I had a banana, a 320 calorie pizza, then a bowl of frosted Cheerios with 2% milk. Then I caved in and had two slices of cheese (one pepper jack, the other muenster), and a turkey/beef patty with cheese and ketchup. The last thing I had was a small Wendy's Frosty-chino thing. :(

I will do better today though. It takes time for me to get used to eating less and less, I can't just stop eating one day, otherwise I'd go insane and embark on a massive binge. Oh, I cannot wait to be thin! I am so excited about this!

Also, I posted pictures and stats of my current weight at SpriteZero. My hair is a mess in the pictures because I had just woken up at the time, so forgive me for looking like a slob.